Dealing with the same-sex attraction side of our problem does not automatically open us up to heterosexual attractions. But there are things we can do to nurture in ourselves true heterosexual feelings towards the opposite sex. This article is replanted from the December, 1993, issue of Regeneration News.
What is homosexuality? It is the condition of a man sexually and romantically attracted to people of the same sex rather than to people of the opposite sex. Note that there are two elements here: the attractions to people of the same sex, and the lack of attractions to people of the opposite sex.
Historically, in ministries like Regeneration we have focused on the former and not on the latter. Implied in this approach is the assumption that, if we can take care of the same sex attractions, the opposite sex attractions will come about quite naturally. Seeing homosexuality as arising out of unmet needs, we seek to meet those needs in legitimate ways, and then, hopefully, we will pick up where we left off in the developmental process. It is as if we will go back to adolescence and resume our growth towards heterosexuality.
In the first week of our 21-week New Directions program we make the statement that we can't do anything directly -- nor can the participant in the program -- to help them change their sexual attractions. It is not simply an act of the will: "From today on I am going to like women, not men," or vice versa. It isn't simply a matter of repentance. Confess and Wow! Suddenly you start feeling opposite sex attractions.
No, we stress that it is a process that may start with repentance and new decisions, but most of the journey goes down the road of getting at the roots of the homosexuality and then as the Lord leads dealing with the roots in such a way that the homosexual desires fade and die.
But this only deals with half of the problem. What about the other half? As our homosexual attractions diminish, will heterosexual attractions simply fall into place? For many they do not and this could be for a couple of reasons. For some, it may be their preference -- conscious or sub-conscious. They want to be free from homosexual behavior and desires, but they don't truly want to move on to heterosexuality. Usually, this reveals that areas have not been dealt with adequately. A woman has not really been healed of the trauma of her molestation, and so she still does not want to be vulnerable to men in any way. A man has not really forgiven his controlling mother, and so in no way does he want to get into a relationship with a woman in which he may have to give up some of his autonomy.
More likely, though, the failure to move on to heterosexuality comes from simply not realizing that it may take some conscious effort. It is a fact that we cannot become adolescents again. We cannot simply pick up where we left off 15 or 20 years ago. Too much has happened in between. Biologically, psychologically and intellectually we are not adolescents. We have to move into heterosexuality, not by merely letting nature take its course as happens with most teenagers. Rather, it will be a conscious process, and one over which we will have a significant degree of control.
I believe that moving into heterosexuality will involve three intentional efforts on our part. We will need to remove obstacles that block us from the opposite sex; we will need to nurture an appreciation of the opposite sex in ourselves, and we will have to start thinking sexually.
In our growth out of homosexuality, it is possible to deal quite well with the same sex needs and with our identity problems without ever really facing our opposite sex problems. For some men, and a few women, opposite sex problems are not a major issue, but each of us should seek to determine if they are. If, after much healing has taken place, opposite sex intimacy is still quite repugnant, then you probably have some opposite sex obstacles to deal with.
We have such problems when we continue to live under the influence of things that were done to us (or we believe were done to us) by a person of the opposite sex. Most obvious, of course, would be molestation. Harsh and cruel control by an opposite sex parent to us, or to our other parent, could be another. With men, it may be a mother who cast her son into the role of surrogate husband, or who was inappropriately intimate with the son. The list could go on and on.
The purpose of this article is not to go into all of these problems and provide solutions, but rather, to stress that dealing with the same sex attraction side of our problem does not always adequately open us up to heterosexual attractions. More healing may be needed. Suffice it to say that the means for removing such blockages to healthy opposite sex feelings are the normal instruments of healing: forgiveness, letting go of childhood vows, healing prayer, etc.
The second effort that we may need to make is to nurture in ourselves an appreciation for the opposite sex. Our first real appreciation of the opposite sex will not be sexual. It will be an appreciation for those wonderful things that make man and woman so different. We start to look at the "other"; the glorious creature that God has created -- man or woman -- that is so different from us, so complementary, so mysterious.
This appreciation necessarily comes in the later part of our healing because a true appreciation of the other must rest on a strong appreciation of our own manhood or womanhood. It was only when I could start to accept, then appreciate, then delight in my own manhood that I could really start to appreciate how wonderful the womanhood of my wife was. In fact, our ability to look out and appreciate the "other" only comes fully when we are so accepting of ourselves that we can forget about ourselves.
From my perspective as a man, a woman is a glorious creature. In any woman I can see some of the beauties of the feminine. It may be her softness, her capacity to nurture, her deep wisdom, her grace, her special kind of vulnerability, the womanly strength that she embodies, her unique feminine vulnerability. What a wonderful creature God has wrought in a woman!
For a woman, she can find in her "other" -- in man -- a manly strength, a solidness, a capacity of clear logical thinking, a boyish delight in the things of the world, an enthusiasm, a special male type of vulnerability. What a wonderful creature God has wrought in a man!
We need to focus on these things; to meditate upon them. Look at men and women as God has designed them. How He must delight in our manhood and womanhood. With His help we can nurture such delight in ourselves.
Finally, we need to start thinking sexually. This statement makes the red flags go up, doesn't it? In so many of our minds, sexual thinking equals lust, and lust has been the thing we have been battling these many years.
This is a risky part of the road, but it is a necessary one. I doubt if any man or woman in history ever entered into sex voluntarily without first thinking about it. No man or woman could have ever have willingly and wisely entered into marriage if at some stage in their life they hadn't thought about sexual intercourse with the opposite sex. They thought about it, and the thought was attractive to them. This was one factor that caused them to seek a mate and surely God planned it this way.
Before the fall, when Adam and Eve beheld each other naked, surely God had brought into their minds a desire to be physically united.
There is no denying the risk of this for men or women who have sexualized many of their needs or who have been sexually compulsive. But we serve a risk-taking God. He took the ultimate risk with us in giving us a free will. I believe He wants us to take the risk of starting to think positively of how wonderful it would to be united with one whom God made to compliment us so perfectly. There will be times when this may spill over into lust, but if our desire is not for lust, but rather to become whole and complete men and women after God's design, His grace will be with us in abundance when we don't do it just right.
God wants us to grow into our heterosexuality. Most of the time He wants to work with us, not on us. And so He will be with us in overcoming the obstacles; He will help us to grow in our delight with the other half of humanity that He created, and He will be right beside us as we walk down the scary road of discovering our true sexuality.
We can't go back and pick up just where we left off as children, but there is one way in which we do need to be as children. We need the love, the patience and the strength of our Father as we go down this exciting last road in our healing from homosexuality. There are things we have to do, but He will be with us all the way.
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